Of Nightmares and Early Mornings
by Trapped in a MatchBox
Summary: She needed to see with her own eyes that he was safe and that this horrible feeling eating away at her heart was just her imagination. Post 4x07 Cops & Robbers


**A/N: So yeah, I couldn't resist. Not my fault that "Cops & Robbers" was just so damn inspiring and amazingly awesome.**

**Disclaimer: If Castle was mine, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction about it.**

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><p><strong>Of Nightmares and Early Mornings<strong>

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><p>She just couldn't get over the pain.<p>

He was gone and she was never going to see him again. Hear his voice, roll her eyes at him when he decided to be annoying, tell him she loved him. Nothing. Her chance had come and gone and now he was gone forever in a cloud of smoke and debris inside that bank and she couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe because living in a world without him didn't seem like a viable option anymore.

He was gone and she had never gotten over her cowardice to just come clean and tell him she remembered everything, that she loved him right back, that she didn't want to live without him. Couldn't.

The pain in her chest was unbearable and the lack of oxygen in her lungs was making black spots swim in front of her eyes. All she could think about was that he had died without knowing how much she loved him and that it wasn't fair.

And it was her own fault. Maybe she deserved this kind of unbearable pain. Because he was never coming back.

Maybe this was punishment for being such a coward.

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><p>Kate woke up with a gasp, bolting up in bed.<p>

Shielding her eyes from the soft light coming through the window with her hands, she tried to get her breathing under control. She felt tears wetting her cheeks and their salty taste as they rolled over her lips. Whatever she did to try to control her ragged breathing didn't seem to have any successful effect in stopping the waterworks. She didn't even really understand why she was crying like this. Blinking groggily, she looked around the room, trying to recognize her surroundings. It looked like the guest room in Castle's loft, but she didn't have any recollection about how she had gotten there. All she felt was this hollow, incredibly painful grief and as soon as she acknowledged that feeling, her tears started anew.

Lying back down on bed, she closed her eyes, breathing in and out deeply. Slowly, bits and pieces started to come back to her. Talking to Castle on the phone. The bank heist. Castle and Martha were hostages. Oh, God, there was a bomb, wasn't it? She remembered something about C4, then an explosion. Feeling like the ground had just disappeared from under her feet and that feeling in your stomach when you go on a rollercoaster ride. Free fall. Castle was in there and the bank had just exploded. He was gone.

But then the memories started to get jumbled and she couldn't figure out which part was real and which was the nightmare. He had survived, right? He had to for her to be here, sleeping in his guest room. But why did she have a clear memory of that grief swallowing her whole, of knowing without a doubt that he was gone and she would never see him again?

Her head hurt. She covered her eyes with her hands again, trying to think more clearly. He was okay. He had to be okay. Swallowing hard against the knot that had formed in her throat, she decided to go see for herself. She needed to see with her own eyes that he was safe and that this horrible feeling eating away at her heart was just her imagination. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, she realized it was still really early, close to 6am. Rubbing her eyes sleepily and still a little dazed, she made her way to the door and opened it. The silence that permeated the loft was overwhelming as she stepped out onto the hallway and started to make her way to the stairs. She had never been in his room, but she knew it was through his office. Her feet carried her in that direction and before she knew it, she was standing in front of his bedroom door. It wasn't closed and she could see that someone was sleeping in his bed through the small opening. Pushing the door open further, she quietly stepped into the room.

The sun was starting to rise and she could finally see that he was right there in front of her, sleeping peacefully. The relief at seeing him alive and well and unharmed almost made her collapse with its overwhelming intensity. She swallowed hard, refusing to let the relieved sob escape her lips. He was fine and safe and it had just been a dream. Taking a deep breath, she pressed her knuckles against her closed eyes, trying to pull herself together. When she felt she could breathe again, she turned around, intent on leaving unnoticed. She had almost made it to the door when his voice startled her.

"Kate?" He sounded so sleepy and alive that it almost made her want to cry again. "Kate, what is it?" he asked again and she could hear him sitting up in bed, the sound of the comforter being moved to the side, but she still couldn't make herself turn around to look at him.

"Nothing." Her voice came out raspy and shaky and she cleared her throat before trying again. "It's nothing, Castle. Go back to sleep." She took a deep breath, already knowing he wouldn't listen to her, and almost rolled her eyes when she heard him stumble out of bed, hurting himself somehow in the process as a curse escaped his lips.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He touched her shoulder and she felt herself trembling at his touch. There was nothing sexual about it; it was just the sheer relief and joy to see him okay after that terrifying dream. "Kate, look at me." He squeezed her shoulder gently and turned her around. She looked down, still unable to meet his eyes.

"It's… I shouldn't have come down here. I'm sorry. I'm just gonna go." She mumbled, closing her eyes in embarrassment, but he touched her chin and made her look up at him. When she opened her eyes, she watched as his expression softened and tried to blink away the tears that had stubbornly welled up in her eyes.

"What's wrong?" He asked again, his voice barely above a whisper, and reached out to touch her cheek and brush away a stray tear that had escaped. Kate looked down again and shook her head.

"Nothing. I just…" Swallowing hard, she let out a heavy sigh. "I had this dream and you were dead and I just had to see for myself that you were okay." She said it all really fast and then chuckled bitterly at herself. "It's ridiculous. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

Before she could get another word out, he had suddenly pulled her into his arms, and she found herself surrounded by his warmth and smell and it was all too much. Slowly, she wrapped her arms around his waist as he hugged her tight, his cheek resting on top of her head. Without her heels on, their height difference was striking and she was surprised to realize she loved the fact that this way she could tuck her head under his chin, reveling in the sound of his heart beating.

"Don't apologize for having a bad dream." He whispered in her ear and she felt him pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "If it makes you feel better, I went to check on you twice in the past few hours. You were the one held hostage in my dream." His voice sounded sleepy and warm and scared that it only made her hug him closer, not even caring that this was definitely not something they did on a regular basis. She didn't care, though. All that mattered was that the man that she loved was right here, in her arms, and she would do everything in her power to protect him.

"I thought I was going to lose you yesterday." She confessed after a couple of minutes. He stepped away from her, but took her hand, leading her to the side of his bed. She sat down next to him and he kept her hand in his, entwining their fingers comfortingly. "When that bomb went off…" she trailed off, looking away. "You died in the explosion in my dream, Rick, and it was… I don't even know how to describe it." She let out a heavy sigh and didn't resist when he pulled her against his side. "I just know I don't ever want to go through something like that again." She whispered, hiding her face in the crook of his neck as his fingers ran lightly up and down her arm.

"I'll try my best not to become a hostage again." He murmured, placing a kiss to her forehead and she chuckled, pulling back to look at him. His eyes were smiling at her full of so many feelings that she couldn't pinpoint one specific emotion running through him. "That was exactly how I felt when you got shot. And it's something I don't ever, _ever _want to experience again." He reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry I made you go through something like that." He whispered pulling her close to his side again.

"I'm just so glad you're okay, Rick. I don't know what I would've done if something had happened to you." Her breath caught in her throat and she felt that knot blocking her airway again.

"Hey, I'm right here with you. Nothing happened." He pulled her further to the middle of the bed and lay down, bringing her with him. When she realized what he was doing, she tried to sit up again, but his hold on her was strong. "Don't go." He murmured into her ear and she felt herself relaxing. "It doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want to. Just… just stay here a little while?" he finished and she turned in his arms, hiding in the crook of his neck again. He seemed to take that as her acceptance as he soon wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer. "I thought I was never going to see you again." He said quietly after a few minutes. "When you left with Brandt. I thought, this is it. This is the last time I get to see her." She felt him tremble against her and wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer.

"I'm right here." She whispered into his neck and placed a kiss on his skin.

"And I'm so glad you are, Kate." He pulled away slightly and their eyes met. She felt her lips tug up out of their volition and reached out, her fingers slowly tracing the contour of his face.

"So am I." Her fingers reached his lips and she smiled when he held her wrist and placed a kiss on them. Leaning forward, she pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth and settled in against him again, her face tucked into his neck. His hand traced circles on her back absentmindedly and Kate felt herself finally starting to relax completely.

The last thing she heard before falling asleep was him whispering his love for her.

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><p><strong>AN: Thoughts?**


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